You guys, I really want you all to hear this. Please listen. I put this in my other diary too.
I was just putting in a new layout for my friend who goes to my school. I read some of her older entries I never saw, proabably cuz I was on vacation. And it just remindes me of everything. Everything that happened between us. Not my life.
My life is not recorded in this diary, for I fear too much. Nor is it anywhere, except my head. These thoughts, fears, pain, tears, happiness, and joy never reached pen and paper or the keys of a keyboard. They are no where to be seen. So from reading this diary, it seems I have not much pain, lifes boring and usual, and not much to it expect a few things here and there. But I am not that and diaries and books can be misleading. I write true, like what people say, what for example, music I play, but not what I really am inside-in my heart and mind.
I am not usually happy. I can be, and disguise my depression through events and pretending. Cant you see, I was always able to hide it. One acting character to another. No, I hide it all the time. And I want you all to know right now this:
I want to be dead.
I no longer find a need for living.
I will never meet or speak to someone like Tom Felton or Hal Sparks.
I will never be what I want to be.
I will never be beautiful or be called that.
I will never be admired.
I no longer care.
I cant believe you guys are holding on so long.
I cant believe Zach loves someone like me.
I cant believe I do things I dont want to do or shouldnt do.
Ive messed up everything in my life.
I cant do anything right.
And I will never have something to be happy for.
I will never be happy.
I wish I was dead.
I want to be.
And I promise you all this-I soon will be.
thanks for listening to my stupid self.
~Carolyn. p.s. dont tell me to hold on. I cant. I will not. Im going to let go soon. and no one cares. I will never be a loss.
the girl
i'm lorelai. brown hair. tall. 15 years old. bisexual and proud of it. wiccan. coffee & cereal addict. creative. lives for music and friends. irish. wants to fuck craig parker and keith. make fair trade. want more? see my eljay
loves
steal away. coldplay. stars. christie. music. friends. cutting. piano. magic. shoes. reading. lotr. harry potter. writing. piercings. tattoos. swearing. true love. my sisters
loves
school. liars. matt. people who think they're 'all that'. abercrombie. boy bands. hilary duff. rap music. commercials. homophobics. hot weather. unrequited love. jerks. lawn work. pain.